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Sleepless Night and Doubts

So lately I’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster. I have been asking myself – is this life, am I on the right path. Going out partying, enjoying myself is all good and well, but when it’s all over and I’m feeling sorry for myself and all alone the next day, I ask myself so many questions. I’m sure everyone feels this way and I’m not the only one after a night out, feeling lost and wanting answers. As soon as I decided to write this I actually went and had a vomit, gross I know…. anxiety kicks in!

These feelings first appeared when I started this blog.. I was worried, as I really don’t have a lot of things to write about and I’ve basically shown everyone my life through Instagram and Facebook.. Do I really want everyone knowing everything about me and judging?

I realise now that I can still keep a lot to myself but also show people a world they would not usually get to see.

As most of you know Elise, Ruby and I are about to take Jimmy on his first big adventure to Hawaii. I’ll tell you now since the beginning, it hasn’t been easy.

When applying for Jimmy’s passport we had to take so many photos because he doesn’t understand that he has to hold his head up and open his eyes. I also had to return to the post office three times in one day because of the amount of paperwork required. I had to prove that he was my child and in the laws eyes he is an adult and should be able to do this without me. Once that was finally sent off a few days later, I received a phone call from the Passport Approvals asking me to provide more information and whether I have Power of Attorney over him. I needed to provide proof that I make all of his decisions, being his mum just simply wasn’t enough. Finally, I found Government documents to do with his post school funding and that was enough for them to approve the passport. They had told me that they have never come across this before as most disabled adults have a Power of Attorney and don’t really travel with their parents nor have they heard of someone like myself doing what I am about to do with Jimmy with his disabilities. I was also told I would need a Doctor Certificate just in case Border Protection stops me asking about Jimmy’s photo and all of the medications I’ll be talking with me. This scares me, because we all know how Border Protection can be!

Next, flights and making sure accommodation would be suitable for all of us and cheap, as I’m paying for two adults through this whole trip. At one point I rang Elise and burst into tears because nothing seemed to be going right. I decided to have one more look on Airbnb and the first place I looked at just jumped out at me. I messaged the owner and it turns out she looks after children with disabilities. I knew straight away this one was perfect.

My friend Jess, who works at Flight Centre was just amazing. She helped me arrange flights and matched a price that I found. She also made sure we have seats near a toilet and are in no one’s way, as changing Jimmy on a long flight isn’t going to be easy or very comfortable for those close by.

I just wanted everything to go smoothly but it never does with anything to do with Jimmy. Questions I have asked myself: Do I take his stroller or just piggy back him the whole time? Should I buy heaps of nappies before I go or just enough and purchase some over there? Do I fit all our clothes in one bag or struggle with 2? What happens if he has a seizure in front of my friends, do they also realise Jimmy might have nights where he stays up all night and giggles or complains and is a right pain in the ass. Will it piss them off? There will be days I have to wash clothes or sheets because some of the time he will soil everything. I worry so much and it’s given me anxiety about the whole trip. This is something I could not do alone but I don’t want them to feel pressure and I feel bad this is what they might have to deal with. I know what I do every day and how I feel so asking this of anyone just worries me maybe that’s why I’m scared to let people completely into my life and to see the real me.

My other worries were, will we be able to do all activities and will companies allow us to take Jimmy?. That soon passed as I contacted a few and they want to help us anyway they can. Aloha Canoe Adventures, Island View Hawaii & Hawaii Glass Bottom Boat . All have said they will do what they can to make it easy for us.

So many doubts have flooded my mind the last few weeks and months and I’ve finally let go of the fear and embraced it.

And now we are here about to board a plane to Hawaii. I’m so excited, nervous and scared! Jimmy has absolutely no idea what is going on and he still smiles and laughs, that’s how I know I’m doing the right thing.

I truly believe, anything that makes you question yourself means you are on the right path and to never give up, life only starts when you step outside your comfort zone.

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